I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
