I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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