A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He better not be in your backpack
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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