too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
