You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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