One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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