I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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