I wish my penis had an off switch
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
