We're like a lot better than the average bears
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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