My Higher Power is John Stamos
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
