if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize