How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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