I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
do herpes really smell.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize