what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
