great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
