My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
