I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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