dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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