turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
