im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like death gave me a hand job
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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