I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
