Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
