My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
