everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
