i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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