Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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