You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
