My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
