Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
