Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
