Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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