I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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