i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize