i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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