you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
