Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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