I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
