you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
