when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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