You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
