She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
