my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
