you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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