dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
