Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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