party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
