The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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