my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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