My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
