Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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