Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
