My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
