I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
whose parrot is this?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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