Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
