I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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