why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
