I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This baby is an asshole
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
