she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
