If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
