my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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