At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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