just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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