just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
