You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
