I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
