After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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