i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
