Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
